Home for the Holidays
Seems like everyone is either having a good or bad holiday.. I wonder why it can never be in between?
I mean.. There's always gonna be bad parts, but overall it can be good.
Yesterday was a little rocky and I read Timmy's blog and its so sad..
I miss talking to him but at the same time I know if I work up the courage to talk to him, it could have a bad end result of us fighting which wouldn't be fun. So I'm going to keep my mouth shut.
On the bright side I got some pictures, getting back into the spirit of taking them again. Edited a few in photoshop just to see if I could still do it relatively well.. So I'll post up my masterpiece for you all to see.
Shareing the holidays when you have two seperate families is rushing and difficult.. I dont like to rush on the holidays..I love it to be laid back and peaceful, because my family always has room to fight, and if you dont rush, they seem calmer.. I hate having to be places and running around,when I just wanna spend time with people who I know wont be around much longer..
Ahh well.. I'll post up this pic, no use yammering about the past.. Even if sometimes it makes me feel better =)
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Complex Fragility
Everyday its like the rain, like a patturn.. I can relate to it, like the droplets act like a rhythm in the puddles, constant like it'll never end..
THey're so sensitive, clear and pretty.. Just like I am..
I get up everyday, go to work, come home, be lazy, go to sleep.. sometimes if I can't sleep I lay awake and go to work tired again.. Im' a sensitive girl, in an insensitive plane of existance, where you need a thick to simply survive. What am I to do? Do I have to give up something so fragile to survive and keep going?
Sometimes I even get prickly to those around me.. Telling them to get up, stop being such a panzy,and I'd hate to say it, but I'll say it anyways.. I hate sometimes what I have become. I used to love to paint, and I used to love the rain, and skiing.. and snow.
But now I walk down the street, with my jacket over my head, running for cover, because this is what the world expects of me.. Is it really anyone's fault they change, and become just another social product? Or is it something someone started, and now no one can run away from it?
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Determined
Recently Time has been going rather desperately.. Sparing me any sort of passion what-so-ever..It could be that I’m just bitter.. Working all the time, sleeping all the time, and my apartment looks like a shit hole. I keep saying I’m going to clean it up, but I get tired, and lazy after the night shift, and I just leave it.. Turn into a heap in front of the computer, post thoughts, comments, emotions on my journal, role play for an hour or two, and go to bed for five hours before another shift.. Its like my life is not moving anywhere.. I’m standing waiting for the subway and everyone gets on and its full, and I gotta wait again for the next train. I know that I have to push myself to move forward, but even the caffeine in this pepsi isn’t doing any good.. I should stop whining and keep moving.. Do this double job, get money, GED Or high school diploma, move up.. And push.. push.. further.. Up that hill until there’s nothing left.. But each time I try to climb it, its like I hit a wall.. Like a hero in some fairy tale movie drama, where they keep trying.. And the world knocks them down.. Then they meet the perfect mate, and everything goes away.. Or they get that one break out of determination, and they finally reach the top.. Did they know that they would eventually make it? Do all those that stand between the fine love of the good and great not only have a dream and vision of crossing that line.. But know they will no matter what? Just know it. Is it not enough to believe, or to keep hoping, keep faith. Does faith win with belief? Do they come hand in hand like so many other things in life.. Like these television hero’s, do I just know I’m going to do it..? Not know how, or when, or how many times.. But I’m either going to do it or die trying? Determination over rationale and surrender.. But how do they keep their strength? Are some just born with it while others are not? What about the small numbers, those close friends that believed in them.. Did it boost up the batteries? Is it enough to just believe? You need strength and courage to keep going.. Then add endurance.. Its like you need to have virtues, jack of all trades luck to be able to win.. Determination.. It is not one, but a combination of qualities one must juggle.. That builds character.. The one generalized word that you can think of to describe what it takes to succeed… But what if I don’t? Can I train myself to accept a mediocre life? Where my name will soon die, and my possessions be cherished by no one down the family lines? What gives the courage to change? To continue? Because I want it. I need it.. To survive.Sincerely,Kendra-Dawn
When Time Stands Still
When Time stands stillWhen Time Stands Still
Its when you take a picture
You watch it with tears
Until it fades during the years
The heart takes a moment
To pray in its silence
To comfort the soul
Until one becomes whole
It’s the time when you break
Choke on those tears
When its time for leaving
Everyone stops breathing
It makes you fall softly
Your head lowering slow
For the precious rebirth
Miracles on Earth
Its when one lives
While one dies
While one smiles
And the other cries
When Time Stands Still
McDonalds
For those of you that know me, you know my current place where I work is McDonalds..
I've been faithfully working there past my Review, for about Four months.. I work the overnight shift from 11pm until 7 am, and al ot of the time stay extra hours when they are stuck with schedule problems. I know Grill, Front Cash, Drive Thru, and Lobby/Maintenance.. I've been trying to get promoted to Crew Trainer by being put back on Day Shift because I wouldn't mind moving up for a few promotions in the store.. However it feels like I've hit a brick wall.. especially last night.
I used to respect my overnight manager profoundly.. I mean she'd piss me off now and then, but generally I knew she was a good person.. She cares.. Simple as that.. But she says things in a way that degrades a person into feeling like they are little, and small, and meaningless..
Last night she cut Bill from a shift, and was going to get me to do his job and some of her job.. and I said, "Well it'd make more sense instead of cutting a lobby person and then adding drive thru to do lobby, to just keep lobby person right?" well apparently I was wrong. I wasn't challenging her authority at all, I was just wondering why.. And what would make more sense, or more conveniant.. Especially since I have over 40 hours this week and bill doesnt.. that it would also cost the company less money.. Little did I know the reasons to keep me.. And she didn't tell me the reasons, she asked me if I would like to switch with Bill, and I said yes so she said fine..
So that was fine, I figured since I dont get a day off until next week I'd actually get one.
Well I go get Bill's uniform and come back,a nd she gives me hell. Telling me that I forced her to make that decision to make me happy. But that because of it I've made her get yelled at by customers for slow service and its all my fault, and that I've screwed up the whole night. That I am always willing to make everyone happy and help out everyone else inthe store but her.. And that its only because of her that I have my job, and that she really doesn't need Bill and that she could let him go before his review but he's there to make me happy. And that I dont appreciate her.. and then she asked me how that made me feel.. Letting me know that I let her down, and that I wasn't there for her.. And I screwed up the whole thing, and she's gonna have to talk to Lynn and tell her what I've done.. And asked if I felt like crap.. And that I should feel bad.
I told her she didn't have to say yes.. That she could have told me she had her reasons and that she didnt like the idea.. She could have explained to me after when it wasn't so busy.. She didn't have to take my self esteem and throw it on the floor.. She's supposed to be professional, and respect me like I have to respect her.. I suppose.. I dont know.. i've always felt like I was worthless by my father.. He used to tell me how much my decisions used to throw everything off.. That I've screwed everything up.. Especially not getting my Grade 12. But life was so hell at my house, how could I focus on school? I wanted to run away so much.. So I got a job and ran away.. Without my education..
I guess her saying that, just flooded back so many memories of when I was younger.. How stupid my father used to tell me I was.. That everything is my fault.. That my decisions are going to screw me up.. that I'd be nothing..
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Suicide
I was role playing and I had some random thoughts I figured I should blog..
Suicidal people.. Why do they act like they are already dead before they die?
People who are dead have no guilt because there is no longer consiquences whilest they are living.. Is this why when people contemplate taking their life, that they have no consience, nor do they care of the consiquences to the pain they cause people around them? Is this because they believe they are already dead and will have no consiquence?
To some, who are Christiancs.. Believe the greatest mortal sin is suicide, and therefore there are consiquences beyond the living, and it connects them to be wary of things even after they die.. But for those that are contemplating the taking of their own life.. Does guilt, and consiquence leave until they have someone remind them of what they have left to life for, and the consiquences they in fact have.. Being that they just do not get to live?
Is that the greatest gift we can give? Life? Or is it the second greatest, and the first being hope?
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Word Vomit
There are two kinds of people.. The door mat, and the boot..
There are also the people who are tough shells, and those who are strong enough with their inner selves or were sheltered enough through life to wear their heart on their sleeves so to speak.
Not to mention the secret to having a decent amount of happiness it to find the happy middle to everything you look for.. Strength, love, anger, passion.. Everything should meet in the middle.. Balence.. In with the positive, out with the negative, but not too positive or you'll end up being a positive zombie and boring.. Because people need conflict.. Its how they survive.
So what is the truth? Whatever someone strategically puts together to sound appealing? Whatever someone says, that we trust is right? what we can manipulate in our heads to sound right? to sound richeously generous in a good cause?
What if you're too scared of the truth? Do you bury it, try and kill it until it stops beating? But we all know that, it can die and come back to live and haunt, and bring back any worst fears you thought were gone.. Thats the interesting thing about truth, it can die, it can live again.. It can go away and come back.. but it can also change colors.. So who do you trust? Just yourself in hoping that you're indeed right, and not masking it up in your own fear that you cannot detect until you come to terms with it?
Truth and consiquence.. Its something that people have trouble dealing with..
My best friend used to say that no matter if you are wrong or right, if you yourself truely believe in what you are doing.. You yourself are never wrong because you believed in it.. Might be the wrong thing at the time, but at least you're truthful to yourself.. Something that will in later generation inspire growth. Is that why humans are constantly growing, and even though their bodies start dying at a certain age until we wither away and memory is all we have left, the mind keeps growing.. its like your brain goes one way, but your body goes another..
If we never measured time.. Would life be more meaningful?
sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Scratching People's Backs
I wrote a post for today.. But I was just thinking a few things..
So war.. it sucks.. There's this song that says that war is bad, y'know.. what is it good for.. Absolutely nothing.. YEH! Anyways.
So I was thinking.. You scratch my back, I scratch yours.. Listening to Tatu and they're saying "If they hurt you, they hurt me to," and it got me thinking.
Friendship, partnership.. you have someone's back, and you expect them to have yours.. its like a form of pressure, a tug of war if you will, between loyalty.. And although loyalty is a valued treasure amung society, what if it's also the one thing that causes war between families, and communities.. what if this loyalty that we cherish and call a good thing, really backfires.
So then being loyal to ourselves,and those that have our backs.. What if that person we're fighting for is wrong? Or what if its not our fight, and it changes into an unfair fight? Are we really being loyal? Or are we cauing more pain? What is right?
I know that sometimes I wish my boyfriend would rip off the heads of those that make fun of me.. Tell me I shoulda been killed at birth, and other such things.. But what if I'm tainting our relationship. Breaking his sensitivity to make a bar that he needs to uphold.. An expectation of loyalty that may break his gentle nature just for my back? What if I'm wrong? Should I then just fight my own battles, and that way its my consience if its wrong? Or should I expect someone who loves and cherishes me to defend me because I'd willingly jump the gun and kill the first person to robs him?
Although it'll always be true.. To my friends, my family.. when this world, and people hurt them and make them cry.. They jab a knife into me too.. but maybe this time I'll try and keep my temper in check, and instead of fireing the gun at those that did them wrong.. I'll spend my time trying to mend the wounds of those they hurt.. Instead of spending my time trying to get the owner of the bullet.. Those broken hearts that I love mean more to me.. Than the assholes that beat them down. Maybe one day Karma will catch up with them.. Or maybe not. Its not my call.
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Everything Zen
So you think that maybe if you scratch someone's back that they will be jumping willing mad to scratch yours.
Working until next Thursday without days off.. Because I choose to volunteer, not by force.. Its extra hours.
So I've been talking to my ex, he's been talking about song lyrics with me, hopes for the future. Everything comes in blurs and then its gone again, like I can remember things for a short moment, then something else comes up, and I can't remember it anymore.
So I look out the window and instead of seeing my backyard I see apartment buildings, and then its a haze again and I expect to see the pool and the deck. I guess its just memories that I can't get rid of, not that I'd ever go back to my home town, remembering and visiting is fine, but would I actually go back if I had the chance? no. redo's are never a good thing, if you redo something, then you'll never learn.. So redo's are bad.
Andrea is coming up, she'll get to see the Christmas decorations, and the messy apartment room.. i've been meaning to do a good cleaning, but I get tired after work. So how do moms do it.. With the work, raising children, and cleaning up the house at the same time? I guess thats why they invented parental leave that isn't unique only to Canada.. But that is just not enough..
I was talking to this guy with glasses at McDonalds.. He says that they're always screaming for women octranspo bus drivers,and they're always looking for women to work in lcbo stores.. Wierd.. He was saying I should get a better job.. but I'm thinking.
I can't drive. So he came up with a solution.
Get your G1.. Okay.. So life is simple, I could just GO and get it.. But that requires time, energy and a vehicle. Not that my dad didn't just order up a new car or anything and would prolly fix and give me the van if I truely desired it.. But insurance and gas is enough, plus it'll take a good while to get my G. And be able to follow the family name of bus drivers... yuck.
So thats just out of the question. however on the agenda, is to find a second part time job.. to give more money to the, I really wanna move out fund.. And the.. "Buying better things is good." not to mention the 200.00 Rogers bill I'll have in January.. you know for the phone, internet and cable all in one.
I suppose it isn't bad, I just really want to get my life a little more financially stable. Which brings up another point.. Isn't the point of life to be living? Is this living, or are we saving up so that we can live in retirement.. not that pensions wont be going bust by then anyways.. Figures.
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Untitled
Honestly, don't know what to call this blog.. so it remainds untitled until such time as I deem it a name.
So let me put it simple..
Sometimes I wish I was incriminating to myself, so that at least when I'm getting accused of something, or told I've done wrong when I Really havent ( And trust me I hate feeling wrong when I'm not.. ) that way when someone's bothering me about something, at least I've done it. I mean who wants to go to jail for a crime they've never committed? At least, lemme drink the champaigne and feel like an evil doctor before you stop me from my wrong doing...
What else do I not like.. Possession.. possession of people.. Things is alright I suppose, I mean we believe we've owned things cause we are stronger, more brillient. Like tree's.. We have the power to kill them, and make them into paper, which we own? I guess... that makes sense..
So why have I brought up the matter of possession?
Well put it this way.. I hate jealousy.
Jealousy is like possession.. Its like you own someone because you care about them, and they mean something, and thus being jealous is like you possess someone just because you share common interest, like a relationship.
So I guess I see things differently than most would.. Some people think that being jealous means the person loves and cares about you, and should be embraced in small doses.. Other people think that it means control, some trap that you simply cant get out of.. And some people have different views on what "small doses" and.. "Okay jealousy" really is.. or what exactly it is.. and some people dont even know what jealousy is.. They just do it. Feel it.. Like its something new.
Well its really nothing new.. People experiance jealousy since they're born.. I suppose its a natural instinct.. Jealous on sibling rivalry.. thats not love.
Jealous about shareing childhood toys?
What talents someone possess that you deem better than yours?
So I guess what I'm trying to say is some jealousy is okay I suppose.. I mean.. to the healthy person, if its only natural.. Yet.. I hate it at the same time. I dont get jealous too often when it comes to relationships.. Actually I dont get jealous at all. I hate it.. I feel like I am possessing that partner, like I'm squeezing to the point where I wont let go.. and they end up going.. "eh.... back off?" but when it comes to me and my brother.. i've always been jealous of him. And I'll freely admit it..
I'm jealous of Anthony, and sometimes even Corey..
But is it really a healthy thing? Or just misperception? If I even spelled that right.
Is it really how I perceive as wrong doing to me? That my brothers have these security blankets around them, or something I do not? Is it something that is rightfully mine? Or is it equally dealt out in some master plan? Do I have some of these things that I believe that I am missing? And just can't see it? Or do I want what I can't or havent had simply because I want to see how it feels, and my jealousy is also part of a natural curiousity for what was never given to me? Whats the difference? Is jealousy also branched off into bitterness?
So then, do we make a word, like being jealous, to cover more ground than bitterness, curiousity, and different spanning feelings.. and it really doesn't just define one emotion, but caps together several at the same time to produce different situations and feelings we simply cannt control?
Is there any way to train yourself to get rid of it? Or will it always be a natural thing we carelessly ignore because we can't help it? Is it an excuise so that we dont have to better ourselves, and learn that we dont always get what we want.. and what we do have, others might be jealous about? Is it just something simple we revert to because we want it, and think we deserve it, whereas that other person doesn't?
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
in the dog house
Kind of having a crappy week.. But before I get into all the bad news.. I got a little food for thought..
With all the bloody critics in the world, grammar, and people just constantly naggin about the english language.. i've got something they've missed..
Pants.
Why is it that you have only one pair of pants? You have a pair of shoes.. you got a pair of sox.. pair of mittens.. but.. only one pair of pants.
Alright. Now that I've ruined your train of thoughts for today.
Humans.. We believe we own everything.. land , other people, business, money, water, space.. dogs.. Who said we could have dogs as pets? Did we just scoop one up and make it ours one day, and then domesticated it so much that it enabled itself to mold to the atmosphere and became... domestic? Are we that mean.. And then, when the animal bites back, we worry it'll hurt a family member and kill it.. cant put it in the wild, it'll die.. so we kill it.
This friday I'll have killed my mothers dog. *Sigh* Dixie.. She's getting vicious, and I put my foot down and told mother its time for the dog to go... Mom was going to give it another chance, but I wouldn't let her, and now the dog is scheduled to be put to sleep on friday.. So what gives me the right to kill an animal? Did I just seal the fate of a family pet that would have otherwise been let go by everyone and enabled to live?
So if there are three adults, I know a jack russel can't do that much damage biting.. so why did I care so much? ... Cause the dog takes snaps at my little brother.. But I feel responcible for taking the dogs life.. She didn't ask to be our pet.. But unfortunately her last owners ruined her.. Tormented and teased her and now she has issues...
So what gave the human race a right to expand, and own everything? If all things come to an end, when will the world?
I know the question to when my dog is going to die.. and it kind of feels like I'm playing god.. I know when the dogs time is up, yet my death is still a secret to me...
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
So.. how was your day?
This is how my day started....
Now I'm going to bed..
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Everything Changes
So if nothing is left to last and everything falls apart eventually.... Whats going on?
So far today everything was alright.. Did some spring cleaning, played with some more photography which you can find.. here.
http://m0us3bit.deviantart.comits nothing much but getting back into the swing of things.. Seems like a good start.. I told bill if he wants to get where he has to go, he needs to allocate a decent amount of time everyday, one step at a time to make time for it.. No matter how tired or straining.. So everyday I make him play guitar for an hour.. and if he doesn't feel like it.. I bitch.
Same with myself.. i figure I can take my own advice.. so everyday a fter work I'm going to take some sort of cityscape photos either with my pentax camera, or my digital.. Depending on my mood, which means I need to bring it so I have it with me.. And motivate myself to start putting my work on the walls to inspire me.. Thusly it also means on my day off I need to paint my room so I have wallspace to put pictures up.
Was talking to Geoffrey today.. I suppose we've become talk buddies again, which is . fine. Everything was just simple talk buddy, and then of course he has to bring up.. "oh.. btw.. I love you," ... >< What kind of a remark is that? I dont know how I feel about this yet.. Gimmie a moment..
*Breathes*
Well off to work!
Sincerely,
kendra-dawn
Bruce
This, for those of you who I've been talking to, is Bruce my bunny... I love bruce.. He's like.. my life right now, besides a few other things.. :D
I got him when he was only a few months old.. I think 4 months.. not sure.. and he looked like a Bruce so thats what I named him.. Havent had a digital camera for awhile so it took a few months to get some pics.. But I bought one today on sale at Walmart.. with like a 5.0 megapixel thingy.. so it should be pretty decent.. Trying to get back into the habit of taking photos.. Starting with.. Bruce!
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Sunny Winter
Okay, an oxymoron right? I mean come on, winter, sun..
You get sun in the summer and it teases you with that hot sweaty feeling.. Then it comes out just as bloody bright to blind you in the winter, but its still damned cold.. How fair is that? We still get the blinding spots in our retinas, but no damned warmth.. god. Even the sun is laughing at us for half the year.
I guess that is what happens in life... you get those ups, and then you get in the same time of day, and it all sucks again.. So depression is sometimes like living in Canada...... Kinda sad... Depressed.. Still depressed.. Hyper. Those are the moods of those that A: Drink too much caffeine, or B: Are coming out of being a teenager.. That or you have some sort of brain chemestry, but lets just talk in a more average basis.
So what do you do when your best friend doesn't pick up the phone? Or in this case, what do you do when you get overwhelmed with things.. Like a messy house, diabetes, trying to keep yourself in check because you havent finished highschool and a full time job? Or.. other circumstances which I'm sure you know who you are..
It came to pass..
Sometimes I can revert back to those days when I'd simply only cry alone, or amung the small few that got to see it.. Which I have to admit would be one of my more embarassing moments in fiction.. Or in my mind its fiction.. Feels like it sometimes, so rare.. but it hurts. Always has, always will.. Its hard to breathe, your heart farts and forgets to start beating again cause its like.. choked itself.. ( bad humor.. ) But yeah.. It sucks.. and you simply think that everything is falling apart.. and then it kinda passes..
So what DO you do when someone isn't there to pick up the phone.. you pull out your trusty mirror..
I dont remember if it was Sunday school that taught me that life's most precious and most hateful moments is in front of the mirror.. and that it is to man kind one of the hardest things to look through.. Because you don t actually look through it, you look in it. And its like the eyeballs to your own soul. It tells you the good and the miserable things about you. And sometimes it can even tell you what you are in fact doing right in this world.. Its just as easy to give up and tell yourself how crap you are.. But that doesn't mean that tomorrow isn't a brand new day, with a new time to try... It just means that right now it sucks.. so fix it.
I know its not that simple, but I've found that pulling out the mirror can give you a small focus.. Something for yourself to grasp that is real, and unfake. The mirror never lies, and sometimes it can restore some sort of ambition one might have in life.. So what is ambition? What makes us have meaning.. What makes life work? But then what is life? But the pure definition of breathing.. and if in that instant, while you are breaking down and crying and you can't figure out why you are breathing.. then maybe you need to take a look at life.. and remember that all things have come to pass..
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Warm FuZzies
I'm bubbles...
Actually i'm kind of not bubbly right now.. well.. see I was.
Then I found out that my ex and my.. "date to the semi formal" had a meet an greet at Tim Hortons, which of course I had no idea about because.. well I dont live in Arnprior.. And my x is warning me about him, and he used behind my back to call me a whore to my x to cheer him up.. ..
Which is rather two faced.. So what gives?
There really has to be something more to life than pig headed losers, who would throw you away in the dime to the grates just because the sunshine looks better through a damned picture window.. yeah that made no sense.. The point is is that I'm obviously expendable when the time is appropriate.. Not to say that I've made the best choices in life, but more or less the monkey of a butt ugly town like Arnprior.. So I suppose this is to say, that since I dont live there any more, I've washed my hands clean of everything that has to do with Arnprior, minus my little brother.
Honestly... Loyalty? Does anyone carry it anymore?
Its almost like a tug of war.. My mother was watching this, G.I. Jane movie, and I found it quite interesting how the woman had to state that she wasn't making a statement about womans rights because she was afraid she'd be treated as a hero.. but by trying to swim against the stream so hard, it made her a hero even more, and the fact she felt she had to proove this, and state it, made her even more of an icon.
So by saying that I've washed my hands clean of this gossip.. Does that mean I too think I have something to proove? That I am higher, more mature, or one step ahead of those that seem to play sides to become the victor of some popularity game? Will it then in turn pay my rent? And make my life the meaning of all glory? I think not..
Does this make me insecure, this gossip, that it makes me shake and by doing so I have had to state my innocence? Do I feel like someone has stepped on me like a door mat and am close to surrendering because of being some sort of monkey in a social game?
Hell no.. It just pisses me off..
Lesson learned.
Kendra-Dawn
Satisfied
I wonder if maybe the purpose for my own existance is simply because there is something more that I'm looking for..
Could that be the reason for my continuous destractions?
That I'm just not satisfied with things.. That I believe there is something more but can never get the motivation to grasp it.. Like a flower too close to the ground that it can never grow past the trees around it.. Instead it feeds the insects ideas that create life somewheres else, that add to a small link in a gigantic possibility of life. Maybe..
Or maybe I'm just a dreamer, and always will be a dreamer.. Like spacemen and astrologists.. Those that dream of space from the ground and look at it through a telescope, and those that go and live it in space....
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Are you happy?
So I was listening to outkast or whatever the band is called at work, cleaning off the grills when I heard this wierd line in the lyrics..
"nothing lasts forever, so what makes us so happy here," and I began to think about that.
If everything really is temporary, and things that can be lost are hard and enduring to get, only to realize you only have it for a certain amount of time before it leaves.. what makes the human race so happy to be here? What is so positive about a world where all posession, and relationship, and things are temporary?
Is it the idea that one turn deserves another? In that when one door is closed there is always another to be opened? Or is it simply that something is worth only having but a moment, than to never have it at all.. Almost like it is better to have loved than lost, than to have never experianced love at all? But then wouldn't you be ignorant to what you are missing, and in turn it be easier than holding the memories of something real and decent, only to be ripped away?
So if everything in life is a loan.. what makes us happy? Memory?
Do we feed off of emotion and depression like cannibals... praying off of drama?
Or were humans made to heal more than just skin? But the inner soul as well?
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Fourth of December
Time seems to go by so damned slow when you're listening to a song you dont like.. But then how can time go faster if its something you do like?
And how at the same time, can one person be experiancing fast time, and one person be experiancing time going so slow..? And why does my dog when I tell her to go away, do it and then come right back after she leaves through the door like she's a whole new dog?
Finished some more of the bathroom/bedroom project today.. Took Corey to see Harry Potter... He got cold, and is quite a whimp when he gets a headache, and there's nothing I can do for him because he wont swallow medicine to make it better.. So he just went to sleep.. Which is fine.
OC Transpo is going on strike this weekend, which could mean the end of the bus services for awhile.. Which will make half of Ottawa go nuts.. So everything is kind of going upside down at the moment, but that is alright.. Things will go back to normal, or at least what we classify as the norm..
I wonder who gave some guy the idea to drink what comes out of the nipples of a cow.. And decide this should be massively produced...
Sincerely,
Kendra
late night
I'm really kind of tired tonight..
Just painted the bathroom two different shades of blue.. I'm not sure if I like it at the moment..I mean its not bad looking.. its just, I dont know.. ugly type of paint? water based, so..I'm wondering if that was a good idea...
The room I'm staying in is going to be the same colors.. Picked up winnie the pooh picture to snap up in the bathroom, gonna take down the posters and actually organize where to put them back up, as well as re-arrange the room... I get bored VERY easily.
Of course, this IS a work in progress.. I mean whilest I'm working all the time, I'll be surprised if all my projects get done before January.. Not that I'm displeased.. But irritated.. Its not like I'm getting full attention and help from those that live with me in this apartment, but its my project so I guess I can't complain -too- much.. But there, I complained.. all is well.
My little brother is here, spending the weekend.. Makes me realize the reason I was put in this crappy family I live in.. Him! I buy him hockey cards when I get off work every morning.. As many as I can, making him happy makes everything okay...
Bill has been sick for the past couple of days.. Christmas coming up, with expenses and all, takes all the joy out of everything.. But I put up some lights, the christmas tree -not a world class beauty mind you- and a little snow town on my moms dresser that has lodged itself into the living room.. I AM going to re-arrange and clean up the living room... all in due time!
So do I actually have a point or thought to this late night blog post other than I'm wired off of paint fumes and soda? Not sure.. I've been reading in the news about the poor hostages in Iraq.. It makes me shiver at what they must be feeling... But the world chews on the hearts of those who care for something other than business.. I guess that further answers the opinion of Alex, that you should look out for number one, or its just too much to take.
I can't help wonder that if there were more than a minority of people who cared, that maybe that opinion or -theory- as I would most like to call it could be disprooved.. But is that likely to happen? Maybe our doomed fates are written in stone, and those that try to sway the mighty hands of fate, get knocked down by fate as a warning not to mess with the master design? Do we all get what we deserve then? Or is one donation to the childrens charity before christmas class as a pat on the back and make you a good person.. Well it doesn't..
Those who are out on the street handing out sandwiches to those that are truely on the street because of poverty, and not those that have spent it on alcohol and drugs really are the heros.. Not that I'm saying people who have an alcohol addiction should be left to rot. They have a problem.. But you dont kick people while they're down.. And you dont ignore them even if they look like bad people.. They just need one of those step ladders to get where they want to be.
My teacher at a bible camp once told me that its easier for people to pull you down, than it is for you to pull them up... Gravity seems to work with negative energy on that part..
I may not still be into Christianity ( although maybe tis the only thing that people can have blind hope for ) but she had a point. Working with those that are down for the count and in the streets, can tear you apart.. Its dangerous, and they can take you down with them... Yet why do some people do it?
Because out of the 10 people that will always live that way and never change, 1 person might actually appreciate it.. And it might do something..
So is all that heartbreak worth that one person? Or should you stay clear because of the other 10?
I'd like to think that the one person is worth the effort.. But lately I've been having that doubt.. Had I been asked this question a few months ago.. I would have said definately worth it... now.. I think the business world and debt has gotten to my compassion...
Sincerely,
Kendra
I Live Undercover
At work I've been trying to take over a management position. So they're going to switch me to day shift, which means I'll not only loose that extra dollar of pay and the free meals in the morning, and see even less and less of the people that I live with, but I'll be working to become a crew trainer and hopefully a manager in the future.. For the overnight shifts of course!Money makes the world spin around, and for some reason we all have to hide away undecover to those places that we can only talk about in the wee hours of the morning in our own head. Okay so that was a mouthful to understand, but I think I know what is wrong with the world..Too much of heaven.Those humbling themselves to the riches that they can accomplish, and the thirst for new inventions, and one step further, because we can never be satisfied with what we have, but we want what we could have.. The goal gives us purpose. Nevermind crime fighting, the new tv that I want will soon be within reach.No love, no friendship, nothing else.. Too much of heaven. I've been listening to Eiffel 65, and realized that they are right. Potential and heaven, have destroyed our planet.. Every life being, animals, plants, are all going down because of potential and heaven. So why is it that if we are related to animals, that animals only have the drive of survival and of living, and people have the drive of something more... Is it because we believe we are surperior?Yet, when we get hostile and kill, and rape, and act like an animal, we then relate ourselves to the beasts that we share our realm with. Wait.. So are we like animals? Or are they really too good for us, to the point where we find the need to "Save" them by caging them, and cooping them for our exhibits, keeping them 'safe'. When really we are both the cause and construction of the rehabilitation and the destruction of their species.So then are we morbid an imals? Or a race completely of our own?If there is no way to change it.. And no way to care, then have we really sunken to a place we can never rise from? Are those the strong people, those that can survive looking on themselves for help? ..Or are the strong ones the ones with big enough hearts for the rest of us to lean on?Sincerely,Kendra
