Determined
Recently Time has been going rather desperately.. Sparing me any sort of passion what-so-ever..It could be that I’m just bitter.. Working all the time, sleeping all the time, and my apartment looks like a shit hole. I keep saying I’m going to clean it up, but I get tired, and lazy after the night shift, and I just leave it.. Turn into a heap in front of the computer, post thoughts, comments, emotions on my journal, role play for an hour or two, and go to bed for five hours before another shift..
Its like my life is not moving anywhere.. I’m standing waiting for the subway and everyone gets on and its full, and I gotta wait again for the next train. I know that I have to push myself to move forward, but even the caffeine in this pepsi isn’t doing any good.. I should stop whining and keep moving.. Do this double job, get money, GED Or high school diploma, move up.. And push.. push.. further.. Up that hill until there’s nothing left.. But each time I try to climb it, its like I hit a wall..
Like a hero in some fairy tale movie drama, where they keep trying.. And the world knocks them down.. Then they meet the perfect mate, and everything goes away.. Or they get that one break out of determination, and they finally reach the top.. Did they know that they would eventually make it? Do all those that stand between the fine love of the good and great not only have a dream and vision of crossing that line.. But know they will no matter what? Just know it. Is it not enough to believe, or to keep hoping, keep faith. Does faith win with belief? Do they come hand in hand like so many other things in life.. Like these television hero’s, do I just know I’m going to do it..? Not know how, or when, or how many times.. But I’m either going to do it or die trying? Determination over rationale and surrender..
But how do they keep their strength? Are some just born with it while others are not? What about the small numbers, those close friends that believed in them.. Did it boost up the batteries? Is it enough to just believe? You need strength and courage to keep going.. Then add endurance.. Its like you need to have virtues, jack of all trades luck to be able to win.. Determination.. It is not one, but a combination of qualities one must juggle.. That builds character.. The one generalized word that you can think of to describe what it takes to succeed… But what if I don’t? Can I train myself to accept a mediocre life? Where my name will soon die, and my possessions be cherished by no one down the family lines?
What gives the courage to change? To continue? Because I want it. I need it.. To survive.
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
posted by Kendra Robillard @ 4:01 p.m.
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