Under the Covers
What is loyalty? Honor? Trust?
Is it what we choose to believe in, or with? Is it the epitome of our existance, something that we can't simply resist?
I've always loved to move around, to mix things up, I get bored.. Hair color has to change, moods, I dont know if it is inherited, or if I was originally supposed to be born with wings and live outside, where I could see everything I wanted, go anywhere I wanted.. I couldn't imagine my life any other way.
I knew when I got away from my family that I'd have my doubts in myself.. If I could do it, find a job, keep it up, hold off the bill collectors.. But things are going smoothly.. But I dont want to sit still, I want to keep moving up.. Keep moving.. Keep leaping to the next level, the next stage.. I want to see everything I can before I can't anymore. I dont know how I'd be if I had someone holding onto me so tightly, I couldn't move. Guilting me to have to stay put, guilting me until I could not be who I was anymore..
I suppose thats why I'm so frusterated..
"well its hard for someone who's always had an easy life to adjust to the real world,"
"Well his parents coddled him, its hard to let go,"
"His parents just are having a hard time letting go,"
Everything is one excuise after another.. He's not ready, he's getting used to it.. His family isn't used to it.. When are they going to be? I dont want to keep waiting for him to grow up, for his parents to trust me and him. For him to move on with his life, instead of holding onto his childhood..
I can't understand him cause my father was hard on me, because I always seemed to get the hard road in life.. But, still! Its been months, you can't keep making excuises for yourself..
Using disease and sickness, and "not used to it" excuises for why you cannot do things... You keep making excuises for yourself and thats all you'll be, is an excuise.. It makes me so.. ANGRY! I just want to beat down everyone around me and walk over top of them, and away..
IT SUCKS!
Kendra-Dawn
Connected
I am lost..
When I go home, I dont feel like I used to live there.. My hometown is foreign..
I left, and when I come back, I feel like an outsider, like I've become disconnected from those in it.. Like no one knows who I am. that old friends, old people, old things i used to know, dont know me.. and dont greet me anymore..
The same school, people, places.. the same malls.. no one knows me.. and now I do not know them.
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
Too scared
Afraid of loosing
Afraid of being exposed...
I'm afraid of all those things..
I'm afraid to stand tall for myself, believe in something, and swim against the current when peopel tell me I'm wrong, even though I'll go on, secretly believing they are wrong, but never really .. finishing the arguement myself on top.
There was a singing audition, and usually I'll do anything I can to get to it.. Anything I can to do it..
But not this time..
If I hear one more person tell me I'm okay, but not good enough.. unique.. It was good BUT..... Everything before the word but is erased.. You can say compliments out your ass, but the second someone says the word "but" .. its gone.
I can't do it. I can't face another let down.. Its like someone's cracking another push to my face, or a shove to my back.. until finally I just wont get up again..
It doesn't help to tell me that I should get up, those positive voices telling me I should think better of myself, telling me to pick myself up, are so faint, so blurred under the screaming of those bashing me down.. That I simply will not hear them.
So what do you do when you are scared, and you fight to be brave, until you can't anymore?
you quit.
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
endless love
I have a question..
If love was given to you, instead of insisted to be taken.. And it was promising to never end, never quit, never die.. Would it be worth anything? Would you still work to keep it from dying, and inspire yourself to try and make it fly?
Would it be as special or as important a subject for writers of music, poets, authors.. Would it be as lifting like you see in those old romance films, or those teenie bopper films where the girl always gets that guy.. like cinderella?
Do you think maybe then love is alive, and it was meant to die, just like people.. Either by death, or by choice, by chance or by attraction? Does the mortality of love make it why it is worth so much? Why we struggle so much to catch it?
Is it just chemicals inside your brain? Or is that only a part of it?
I dont really know my own heart, and I know it.. and even though I dont always know what I want, or what is going on, I want a man who knows his own heart and I believe, when I find him, I'll love him forever, because when that does happen.. I'll know my own..
Maybe that is why love chooses, and it is never chosen..
Maybe that is why we lie, and we cheat.. Because love is so pure, its shameful.. Or maybe its only as pure as the person who wields it.. That is what makes it so real...
What about the unbelievers of love? Will it pass by like blood above someone's door? Will they one day have to face their lives when they are older, and realize what they've missed? Or will you truely ever be without love?
Dont know..
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
To loose oneself is to be lonely..
If all you have is yourself in life, and then you yourself loose yourself. you ask yourself questions, that you cannot answer, and you begin to ask more questions, and look for the answers you do not have.. And soon you question who you are, until you are more lonely then when you started out..
So what do you do to answer your questions? Maybe they weren't meant to be answered, but to be revealed as you move along, so that you know instead of hear it.. Think it.. you know by experiance, and you learn how much you can trust yourself, and who you are.. And what you are capable of.
But how do you know what to do to get that experiance? Human nature to question everything right? But maybe, those answers aren't us, but we think they are because that was the choices we choose to make us who we are.. So really, we could be anyone, and it isn't really lain out for us.. But were they the right choices? Or did we stumble upon them and that was what was supposed to happen? So then is there fate? Or were just making choices based on the knowledge you have right at this moment? And would we have more or less comparing to other choices that we could have made?
Confused..
Kendra-Dawn
Budgies
- <- Merry
<- Pippin
<- Woodstalk
<-Snoopy
West Virginia
I've learnt a few things in life while I was out of the Country.. You learn what you miss, and what you dont miss about everything that you know, and dont know..
NO milk bags..
I made a chicken.. Everyone loved it..
Ate.. Lebonese? Is that how you spell it?
Chinese take out boxes are so much cooler than ours..
The egg rolls are round and perfectly folded in the states.
.. Pocky? Its apparently chocolate surrounding non salted pretzels.. It was okay.
Kissed a sexy girl.. =)
Saw my first suspended bridge..
Got hook'd on RedvsBlue
You also learn where other people's boundaries are, and that younger teenagers will always be younger teenagers.. That older people, will always be older people, no matter where you go... The only thing that is different, is what kind of attitude is practiced.
You learn to hold your tongue about politics, I mean its not your country, you can form an opinion but keep it to yourself.. Its respectable that way.
While I was in the states, I found that in West Virginia, I can walk outside without a coat, whereas everyone was wearing at least a light spring jacket and calling it cold.
There are very many Americans that dont know what budgies are... ( which I'll be talking more on that in another post.. )
But you also learn that everyone has something in common.. They are all waiting to retire. Everyone in this life, spends their whole youth, preparing for the future.. But no one spends time preparing for the present. They are waiting for their time to be up so they can retire.. So they can get to where they want to be. But what about right now? I'm not where I want to be, and I have to keep pushing,a nd waiting just so I can start my life.. But my life started years ago, I've just been wasting my time waiting for the perfect moment, when everything will be okay.. Where my life will be set.. But then does life end once you've reached that high rise where you can go nowhere? Or do you claw at the earth, and claw at the edge so you'll never loose it.. Because you know one day it will be all gone, and it will slip away.. And you dont want to.
The general -"wearing out process".
So, in your whole life, you spend preparing for those mid years in your life where you get where you want and enjoy them.. Or you spend the rest of your life regretting things, waiting to die. I personally have a problem with this concept.. If we put half our efforts into preserving the world, and public services, and into society.. We might actually be where we want to be in the present.. But we're busy saving up money,bulding our skills, and busting our asses. I suppose thats why school didn't agree with me.. When it was a beautiful day outside, I was stuck inside, learning about outside from a text book...
Its like, we teach life, instead of going out and living it. Hypocracy..
Oops.. went off topic again.. oh well!
Sincerely,
Kendra-Dawn
